Day 11 - Lesson 11

It is fascinating how, when we take the time to pay attention, universal forces collaborate to make a point in our lives, to shake us up, wake us up.  I can honestly say that I'm sure the universe tried to point lots of things out to me over the years that I simply ignored or could not see.  Lesson 11 introduces the idea that our thoughts determine the world we see.  I have a powerful recent example of this very concept.

A few years ago, maybe 2003 (I don't store dates very well in my memory bank), I attended a really great smoking cessation class.  Nurse Nancy taught the class and she is fantastic.  The class met like once per week for an hour or so each time for about eight weeks.  We, of course, learned a lot about all of the super awful things smoking does to you - we also learned some helpful strategies for quitting.  I am a died in the wool addict when it comes to smoking.  There were times that I would drink more beer just to smoke more.  This is not something I'm proud of - it's just a fact. 

One of the strategies we applied in our quit process was to write a contract and to commit to something we considered absolutely terrible, the worst possible thing, and that's the thing we would have to do if we started smoking again. We also had to let other people, people close to us, know about this commitment - to keep us honest.

My thing involved a church.  I would have to give $500 to a church that I did not like, did not support, did not approve of.  You might have guessed, this church and I had some bad history.  We actively worked against each other (my perspective) in the 1990s and by the time I had decided to use them in my commitment to quit smoking, I wasn't even living in the same town, not even the same state, as this church.

So, I wrote up my contract; I went home and told my daughters, and I also told my two best friends in the whole wide world.  And time passed, and I kicked the door open by occasionally smoking a cigar.  I told my daughters and my friends it was okay because a cigar is not a cigarette.  Then I started smoking cigars regularly.  Then I went on a trip out of the country and couldn't find the little (a whole lot like cigarettes) cigars. So, then, of course, I bought a pack of cigarettes.  And, I could no longer justify my behavior - and, of course, I felt like a schmuck.  But I kept right on smoking.

This lasted until September 2009.  I quit smoking and I quit drinking beer (you know, had to - had to give up the beer if I wasn't going to smoke).  I still didn't fulfill my commitment....and I still felt awful about it.  I was bothered that my daughters and my girlfriends knew that I was dishonorable.  This continued to weigh heavily on my mind.

Another important aspect of this story is that I had moved back to the very town with the church.  So, in the back of my mind there was this constant throbbing awareness that I knew and because I knew they (the church) should know too.  Plus, the church leaders are about the nicest couple you could ever hope to meet or have the honor of knowing.  I said hello and how are you to them every time we met at the grocery store.  These are sweet, friendly, hard working, loving folks - how did I not see this in the 90s?

I didn't see it because I was a different person then.  Not a bad person, just a different person.  I was young, enthusiastic, bold, position-focused, narrow in my belief structure, immature, and a whole host of other 'isms' and such.

Finally, one Saturday a few months ago, after I had been quit for more than one year, I rang their home number.  She answered and was surprised when I asked her if I could stop by.  Being the gracious individual that she is, she agreed.  I wrote a check for $500, folded it and put it my pocket.  When I got to her house, he wasn't there, but that was okay.  We had a cup of tea and I told her this story.  I handed her the check and, of course, she forgave me, told me she released me from this obligation, and tried to give me the check back.  Really, she tried to give the check back!  I was like, "Oh, no!  You are keeping that money and you are using it!"  Really, I did say that.  I also told her that the money was no longer mine - in fact, it was never mine, it was always intended to be used how she and her husband saw fit.  I felt such a beautiful sense of relief (and we both cried and hugged - and it felt so super good).  I finally felt like I had some honor, some integrity again.

So, when Lesson 11 says our thoughts determine the world we see - I see this as a prime example of that.  I could have held onto the emotions, the long held thoughts and beliefs I had about the 'church' and its leaders, but thankfully time, maturity, and kind observation helped me to see two committed, loving, hard working, devoted people. I am thankful for those two and thankful the forces of the universe collaborated in a way that woke me up!