Day 31 - Lesson 30

God is in everything I see because God is in my mind.  I found a lot of comfort in this lesson.  It was a 'lights go on' reminder that God is always ever-present.  It can be so easy to cruise, stumble, walk, run, and fumble through life only to remember on occasion that God is ever-present.  Working through these lessons is such a nice way to be in tune with God's presence.

Some of the most joyful moments in practicing this lesson today were in playing outside with my grandson.  We went sledding (he wasn't a big fan), we took the beagle for a walk (he always loves this), we made snow angels (he didn't want to stop doing this), and we admired the sky - the pinkish-orangish was beautiful.  His rosy round cheeks and dimpled smile created the most incredible God glow I could have asked for.  This is a vision I will long hold in my heart.

Day 30 - Lesson 29

God is in everything I see.  A big part this lesson is about learning to look on all things with love, appreciation, and open-mindedness.

Today was a great day for this lesson.  I had a 'sanity Sunday' which means: I didn't go to work today.  I lounged around in bed, read my lesson, practiced my lesson, ate banana french toast (made especially for me by my sweet man), stayed in my pajamas until 12:30.  I went out and enjoyed a good long snow walk with a dear friend.  There were sea lions, beautiful birds, crashing surf, an avalanche (that we hiked over), the dogs ran and played, we laughed and listened.  It was an easy day to see God in everything.

My friend and I talked about struggles and addictions.  She shared this with me: ism = I separate myself.  I know when I do this, I obscure my vision which makes it hard to see God in anything. 

Day 29 - Lesson 28

Above all else I want to see things differently.  The 'practicalness' of this lesson is about literally practicing looking at things and consciously asserting that we want to see it differently.  I have a bit of a struggle with looking at a lamp and saying to myself, "Above all else I want to see this lamp differently."  However, I do understand the value in practicing an idea in order to get it.  We don't often just 'get' things because we believe we should.  In fact, more often we're frustrated because we don't just automatically 'get' things.

So, I went about my day very aware of working towards changing my perception about things I routinely look at.  I tried opening my mind to see and define things minus my past terms.  I looked at lots of things that I hadn't really looked at before, or given much conscious thought to what I thought I saw when I looked at them.  Again, much of the value I found in this was being present in the moment.

Day 28 - Lesson 27

Above all else I want to see.  This idea was practiced, as instructed, all day.  The lesson addressed the fact that this idea might seem a little scary - because do we really want to see?  During periods where this might be the question, the instructions encouraged repeating: Vision has no cost to anyone. It can only bless.  I didn't find any discomfort in repeating this idea throughout the day.  In fact, I very much want to see.  I have been busily on a path to see for the past couple of years.

I have been struggling with a dilemma for the past week.  I tried to resolve a conflict - I did this with great sincerity, genuine compassion, open and gentle body language. It didn't work - in fact, the other person heard a "verbal lashing" and her feelings were hurt by my communication.  This completely baffled me.  I had been so hopeful and assured that by practicing nonviolent communication the conflict would resolve in a peaceful way.  I really wrestled with my emotions and asked myself what I could have done better.  I felt like a complete and utter failure.  

Today, after a long walk and some sunshine therapy - I realized that I was satisfied with the way I communicated; I continue to hold nothing but compassion in my heart for the other person.  Even though the situation won't resolve the way I had originally hoped it would, it is resolving in a way that honors love.

I embrace Dr. Wayne Dyer's quote about karma - "How other people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."  (or something real close to this)  I feel like I am beginning to see.

Day 27 - Lesson 26

My attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability.  The exercises in this lesson felt more intense to me than any of the preceding ones.  It included a series of asking: I am concerned about_________. I am afraid __________ will happen.  That thought is an attack upon myself.  I won't go into greater detail about this particular lesson, but it was very effective at setting me on course with recognizing that nothing but my own thoughts can attack me.  As I worked the practice periods I felt greater clarity and less burdened.

A couple of other things were helpful today.  Dr. Wayne Dyer's quote of the day made me smile and gave me a necessary reminder.  He said, "You'll be happy to know that the universal law that created miracles hasn't been repealed."  I love this!!  The other thing that helped me today was connecting with my program consultant at the Chopra Center.  We had a wonderful conversation about my studies with them. 

So, in the midst of a chaotic day, I was connected to my lesson, I was reminded to choose miracles, and I was given a boost of love from the sweet spot of the universe.

Day 26 - Lesson 25

I do not know what anything is for.  This is an exercise in the adjustment of ego.  Ego is not who we are - it's a facade and it's what keeps us separate from each other and from spirit.

I have been working on recognizing ego-based responses and being committed to spirit-based responses.  This isn't easy because ego is automatic.  This is where present moment awareness has become critical.  Taking a few extra seconds to identify where my thoughts are, how my body is feeling (tense or relaxed), and asking, "what would love do?"  Is a good guide in determining if I'm about to do, say, or act upon an ego response.

The bottom line is, I really want to express genuine love.

Day 25 - Lesson 24

Lesson 24 - I do not perceive my own best interests.  This lesson and the practice instructions were to search your mind for unresolved situations about which you're currently concerned.  So, I thought about this and did the first practice session pretty easily.  Then throughout the day, I dealt with one situation after another that didn't get resolved.  It was like everything was just hanging heavy in the air.  I don't like to sound like a downer and I don't mean to come across that way.  I'm not usually overly cynical or negative.  I'm relatively good at seeing the positive.  For whatever reason today was just tough all the way around, from work stuff, to civic stuff, to personal stuff.

I do know this, and I am greatly comforted by it - I won't pick up a drink or a cigarette, I won't get mad and yell and curse, I won't dismiss someone or something.  I will love more, pray more, meditate more.  I will be grateful for the abundance of the universe.  I will accept myself just as I am....and I will trust the universe - spirit - love to work out the details.

Day 24 - Lesson 23

I woke up this morning feeling rested.  I entered into my meditation, I did some yoga for about 45 minutes, I drank some tea, read my lesson, showered, and got ready for work.  The lesson - I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts. The lesson encourages five practice sessions where you think of this phrase and add whatever the topic of the attack thoughts happen to be.

I'm not really feeling any attack thoughts, so it's kind of a struggle.  However, I thought about things that have bothered me in the past and things I didn't respond particularly well to.  So, if felt like I was pursuing the lesson correctly.

However, I must have promptly forgot the lesson upon walking out the door.  When I got to work it seems that nearly everything I touched went sour, fell apart, was all wrong - you name it, but it wasn't good.  I worked late and was tired and feeling defeated.  I came home in stingy snow cold weather; only to gear up and head back out to take the beagle for a walk.  I was feeling blue and tense.

So we walked and we walked and I began reflecting - I didn't even think that I was trying to do that - it just happened (the reflecting).  Anyway, I realized that I had really internalized all the stuff that was going wrong and did a bit of a self-attack.  You know, instead of taking a step back, breathing, reminding myself that the balance in life means there's stuff that feels like it's going right and there's stuff that doesn't.  Keeping a healthy perspective and loving myself is the best way to get through the day.

The walk did me good in myriad ways - the lesson stayed with me after all.

Day 23 - Lesson 22

Lesson 22 has been especially helpful to me today.  The idea is: What I see is a form of vengeance.  It goes on to say: Today's idea accurately describes the way anyone who holds attack thoughts in his mind must see the world....Having projected his anger onto the world, he sees vengeance about to strike at him.  His own attack is thus perceived as self defense.  This becomes an increasingly vicious circle until he is willing to change how he sees.

I spent a good number of years being angry and thinking that I was seeing a world in attack mode.  I thought that people who didn't think like me were attacking me.  Not about everything, but there were certain key issues that would get my blood boiling and my rage would be apparent.  In my rage I would raise my voice, curse, slam doors, not listen, shake my head.  I would react in ways that escalated and encouraged violence - no, I didn't hit anyone physically, but my words were surely as violent.  I was also famous for acting as if this behavior was somehow justified - you know, because I was on the right side of a given cause.

I recognize now that anger is fear.  That yelling doesn't help, slamming something doesn't help, cursing doesn't help, pummeling a punching bag doesn't help.  These really aren't very good ways to feel better, to feel calmer.  They are good ways to continue the bad, the icky feelings.  The quickest way to move away from the anger, the fear, the icky, the bad is to ask, "What would love do? What would spirit do?  What would God do?"  When we ask ourselves what love would would do, the answer always comes to us, it is always the right answer, and it always makes us feel better.

I have walked away from plenty of situations when my reaction to something wasn't given through love and I felt awful each and every time.  I am trying to be more aware now, so that when I walk away, I feel good and those around me feel a genuine sense of care from me, a sense of compassion, a sense of love.

There is no resolution where love is not present.

Day 22 - Lesson 21

Lesson 21 - I am determined to see things differently.  I felt a certain amount of relief when I saw this lesson this morning.  It was similar to receiving an affirmation that I've been headed down the right path the past few years.  The practice of this lesson includes searching your mind for things that cause anger, frustration, irritation and then saying: I am determined to see _______ (person or situation) differently.  It is important to be as specific as possible.  What was so great is that while I could recall situations that had made me angry, frustrated, irritated in the past, I'm not holding onto those feelings anymore.  I am better situated to look at those situations and those people with greater objectivity, greater sensitivity, a renewed perspective from a place of love and compassion.  It is as if a light really has turned on within me that helps me to see that the answer is never anger, it is never fear - when I feel internal tension I am coming to recognize that resolution - true resolution - is never found until love is present.  I don't want this to come across as some naive or pollyanna-ish belief, something deep within me has turned on to help me navigate in ways that I would have never believed possible.  I feel awake and refreshed and renewed (and relieved).

Yesterday and today I've had to deal with a serious situation involving conflict.  Much of the conflict exists internally.  As I've encountered this conflict, I have been able to observe my thoughts and feelings without judgement - without judging me.  I've simply acknowledged that the conflict exists; I've asked 'love,' 'the mystery we call God' for guidance, to tell me what to do to respond and truly, amazingly, even though the conflict is there, it isn't touching me in a way that creates tension.  I recognize that this is coming across as somewhat cryptic and I'm sorry for that.  However, I am simply amazed at the truth of it. The conflict has not intercepted my feelings of joy nor my expressions of that joy.

When I practice present moment awareness and when I approach conflict from a genuine place of love - I see miracles.

Day 21 - Lesson 20

Lesson 20 - I am determined to see.  You want salvation....you want to be happy....you want peace.  It's true I do want all of these things.  What's really great is I am happy and I do feel peaceful.  I have experienced great sorrow in the past few years, but I've also experienced an equal amount of joy.  What I recognize is it's impossible to, at least in this human form, to feel only 'good' feelings.  Life is about balance.  It's also, at least for me now, putting my attention on being thankful for whatever time is spent in happiness.  Laughter is imperative to my existence!  I am so very fortunate in that I laughed A LOT today!

And, by the way, my salvation is secure.

Day 20 - Lesson 19

This morning, in my foggy brained awareness, I glanced at Lesson 19 - I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts.  Our minds are joined and indeed they are.

I attended a most amazing event this evening ~ a goddess gathering.  I am so very thankful to have been invited.  There were 12 women in attendance.  We passed, shuffled, and each selected a goddess card (without looking).  I appreciated that each card seemed to be exactly fitting for each woman in her journey - okay except one - but I'm sure we just couldn't see yet how it fit for her.  The laughter, the stories of adventure, of love, of loss, of transformation were rejuvenating, hopeful, sweet, sad, and funny.  I received the goddess named Sige - the goddess of quiet contemplation.  She is an appreciated reminder that meditation is only beneficial.

Today was a busy and crazy full of activity day - from the time my feet hit the floor this morning until this moment I did not stop and appreciate quiet time. I received the gentle reminder that I needed.

Day 19

Well, it is indeed day 19; unfortunately, I did not review or practice lesson 19 today.  I was running late this morning - I've worked late every night this week and I've had a cold.  I felt like I was missing something all day and realized just a few minutes ago that it was my lesson and then this. 

Until tomorrow....

Day 18 - Lesson 18

Lesson 18 states that I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing.  Another statement in the lesson is: It also emphasizes the idea that minds are joined....

While it doesn't go into detail about what this means exactly (it says this idea will be given increasing emphasis later on), I think minds are joined.  We are capable of sensing and feeling when a mood in a crowded room has shifted, when someone sad or happy enters a room, when someone near us is angry or hurting, and in countless other ways we can feel that our minds are joined - how else would we experience these sensations?

How many times have you been feeling a certain way - negative or positive about a specific situation, but you can't necessarily pinpoint a reason for your feelings.  Inevitably someone will phone you or stop to see you and share a story that validates your feelings.  It is that mind, that conscious connection we have.  It can be subtle and it can be incredibly powerful.

I feel like I have been experiencing these types of occasions more often of late, but I'm not sure if it's because I'm more aware or if they are really occurring more often?  One thing I am committed to doing is seeing more joy, so my mind shares and connects with other minds in a way that is more often more loving.

Day 17 - Lesson 17

I see no neutral things.  Rather than get into the specifics of this lesson and the practice sessions.....because I would either over-simplify it or over-complicate it ~ I'm still working through it.

Today I was met with a situation that reminds me how powerful our words and our body language are in the lives of others.  How a stern look or sharp word can stay with someone for so much longer than a day, a week, a month, a year.  It can be so easy to go about life, to react to daily problems and frustrations, and say something to someone that you know is mean-spirited - and then not give it another thought.  Okay, maybe think about it, but justify it and move on.  I spoke with someone today who expressed a deep sadness in a rather nonchalant way about how another colleague had treated her more than one year ago.  How he had made her feel dumb and let her know in very specific terms, without coming right out and saying it, that he thought she was dumb.  She respects this person and believes he is one of the smartest people she has ever met.  So, I think that of course makes his response to her extra hurtful. 

There are so many lessons in this story.  I'm curious about one thing - how did her colleague feel after he responded to her this way?  I know I feel, in a very real way, this deep regret in my heart when I walk away from a conversation in which I know, I know, I know that I said something hurtful and/or my body language expressed something hurtful.  I get that icky feeling way down deep in the pit of my stomach.  No matter how hard I try to justify my "rightness" in having that reaction - I wouldn't have that icky feeling if there were anything at all right about it.

There just never is anything right about purposefully hurting someone with our words or our body language.  It serves only to deepen an existing divide, an existing disconnect.  The best way to get over those feelings of needing to lash out is to 'suck it up' and take a deep breath and give some patience, some time, and a smile.

I am practicing walking away from every encounter in a way that I can feel good about.  In those situations that I don't handle so well and I get that icky feeling - I am practicing asking for forgiveness from the person I've hurt.

Day 16 - Lesson 16

Lesson 16 begins with: I have no neutral thoughts and one of the statements within this lesson is: Every thought you have contributes to truth or to illusion; either it extends truth or it multiplies illusions.

I have been thinking, for about the past year, very seriously about how what I think affects my entire life.  Today, due to this lesson, I was especially observant of my thoughts.  At least two times today I encountered situations in which I caught myself in negative patterns of thinking. Both times I had the opportunity to stop and readjust from negative to positive.  Both times the outcomes were not just better, but surprisingly better.  

I don't know if had I continued my pattern of negative thoughts if the outcomes would have been different, or if I would have appreciated the outcomes as much as I did had they been the same, or if I would have paid enough attention to appreciate them.  It's possible that I would have put a cynical spin on them or made some diminishing comment about how that probably wouldn't ever happen again. 

I am thankful that I was more positive, that the outcomes were positive, that I paid attention, and that I appreciate, not just the outcomes, but the people involved in a way that I haven't appreciated them in the past.

Today, I chose to contribute to truth.

Day 15 - Lesson 15

My thoughts are images that I have made.  I dealt with a situation today that made me so very aware of this statement.  It was a situation that could have easily turned into an angry and ugly back and forth blame you, blame me.  However, I was conscious of this negative potential as I entered the situation and I was determined that it would be resolved with loving-compassion - no matter what!  Last year at this time, I would have marched into that situation with my guns blazing.  I would have proved I was right (in my own mind), I would have defended my position (without asking or really caring about any other perspective), and I would have reaffirmed, yet again, how messed up the whole situation was anyway.  It would have been so important to me to "be right!" 

I am thankful that I have learned some better strategies for resolving these types of situations; and when I remember to use those strategies I always come out of it thinking, "Wow, that went really well - way better than I thought it was going to go!"  It's less important to me now to "be right" than it is to make sure that I've really listened, that I show the others involved that I truly care about them and their well-being - that we can get through whatever it is and it's not going to be the end of the world if some mistakes were made.  Not that we shouldn't strive for excellence, but that our lives are dynamic and we simply can't always accurately predict how things are going to turn out....even with the best of planning, even when we think we've thought through all the 'what ifs' and even when we think we've developed all the necessary tools.

I'm thankful I made it through this day in a way that was a bit kinder to those around me (I'm sure the others are, too).

Day 14 - Lesson 14

God did not create a meaningless world. This is the topic of Lesson 14.  I'm struggling a bit with figuring out the amount of information from each lesson to share.  I think it's important to recognize that I don't want to influence someone else's potential experience in practicing the lessons in this course.  Plus, too little information could give a terrible false impression.  For now, I'll continue as I've been and hope that the story unfolds as it's meant to.....I'll trust each day that I'm writing what I'm meant to be writing. 

This lesson had me repeat lots of things that God did not create - God did not create war, cancer, violence.  God did not create a specific event - like an airplane crash or an epidemic.  The lesson goes on to say since God did not create it it is not real.  That's the tricky part.  Sure, it's easy to believe - to know that God did not create the bad things that happen.  However, it sure does feel real, as in, "I watched it, I heard it, I experienced it, I felt it...."  I know for sure this is going somewhere important.  I know that it's about realizing what is meaningful.  This lesson is a difficult one - and they recognize that.

Day 13 - Lesson 13

Lesson 13 introduces the idea that A meaningless world engenders fear because I think I am in competition with God.  The lesson addresses the ego's attempts (very often successful) at taking over, making us feel separate from others, and promoting individualism.  Our ego is powerful in creating, building, and supporting all sorts of fears.

E - G - O = edging God out.  I really appreciate this statement; I've heard both Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra use it.  When we act out in fear, act because of fear, it comes from our ego.  When we act with love, act because of love it comes from the universal spirit, God, or whatever your definition of a higher power is - I honor that.

Day 12 - Lesson 12

This lesson continues the idea that we see what we think - what we perceive. In fact, this lesson nudges us farther along in reprogramming and suggests that we think we see something (a violent world, a crazy world, a dangerous world), but we are upset because we see a meaningless world.  As this lesson also states, we give the world these attributes, these, labels, but the world is meaningless in itself.  We identify and assign the value.

I posted a Martin Luther King, Jr. quote on Facebook today:  "We are inevitably our brother's keeper because we are our brother's brother. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly." This quote resonates with me from the surface to deep within. 

I am a smiler.  I smile and say hello or somehow acknowledge virtually every person I pass by - obviously if I'm in a big crowd of people I can't acknowledge every single person - but I do sincerely make an effort to do this. Usually when I smile at someone they smile in return.  There are those occasions when someone doesn't smile back.  I used to catch myself getting irritated with that person.  Actually, not just irritated, I would get rather unreasonably perturbed!  I've been trying to practice a new approach though.  Now when this happens, I say a silent prayer for the person who wasn't able to smile back in that moment.  I pray that whatever is keeping a smile from that person's face isn't keeping joy from his or her heart. 

Day 11 - Lesson 11

It is fascinating how, when we take the time to pay attention, universal forces collaborate to make a point in our lives, to shake us up, wake us up.  I can honestly say that I'm sure the universe tried to point lots of things out to me over the years that I simply ignored or could not see.  Lesson 11 introduces the idea that our thoughts determine the world we see.  I have a powerful recent example of this very concept.

A few years ago, maybe 2003 (I don't store dates very well in my memory bank), I attended a really great smoking cessation class.  Nurse Nancy taught the class and she is fantastic.  The class met like once per week for an hour or so each time for about eight weeks.  We, of course, learned a lot about all of the super awful things smoking does to you - we also learned some helpful strategies for quitting.  I am a died in the wool addict when it comes to smoking.  There were times that I would drink more beer just to smoke more.  This is not something I'm proud of - it's just a fact. 

One of the strategies we applied in our quit process was to write a contract and to commit to something we considered absolutely terrible, the worst possible thing, and that's the thing we would have to do if we started smoking again. We also had to let other people, people close to us, know about this commitment - to keep us honest.

My thing involved a church.  I would have to give $500 to a church that I did not like, did not support, did not approve of.  You might have guessed, this church and I had some bad history.  We actively worked against each other (my perspective) in the 1990s and by the time I had decided to use them in my commitment to quit smoking, I wasn't even living in the same town, not even the same state, as this church.

So, I wrote up my contract; I went home and told my daughters, and I also told my two best friends in the whole wide world.  And time passed, and I kicked the door open by occasionally smoking a cigar.  I told my daughters and my friends it was okay because a cigar is not a cigarette.  Then I started smoking cigars regularly.  Then I went on a trip out of the country and couldn't find the little (a whole lot like cigarettes) cigars. So, then, of course, I bought a pack of cigarettes.  And, I could no longer justify my behavior - and, of course, I felt like a schmuck.  But I kept right on smoking.

This lasted until September 2009.  I quit smoking and I quit drinking beer (you know, had to - had to give up the beer if I wasn't going to smoke).  I still didn't fulfill my commitment....and I still felt awful about it.  I was bothered that my daughters and my girlfriends knew that I was dishonorable.  This continued to weigh heavily on my mind.

Another important aspect of this story is that I had moved back to the very town with the church.  So, in the back of my mind there was this constant throbbing awareness that I knew and because I knew they (the church) should know too.  Plus, the church leaders are about the nicest couple you could ever hope to meet or have the honor of knowing.  I said hello and how are you to them every time we met at the grocery store.  These are sweet, friendly, hard working, loving folks - how did I not see this in the 90s?

I didn't see it because I was a different person then.  Not a bad person, just a different person.  I was young, enthusiastic, bold, position-focused, narrow in my belief structure, immature, and a whole host of other 'isms' and such.

Finally, one Saturday a few months ago, after I had been quit for more than one year, I rang their home number.  She answered and was surprised when I asked her if I could stop by.  Being the gracious individual that she is, she agreed.  I wrote a check for $500, folded it and put it my pocket.  When I got to her house, he wasn't there, but that was okay.  We had a cup of tea and I told her this story.  I handed her the check and, of course, she forgave me, told me she released me from this obligation, and tried to give me the check back.  Really, she tried to give the check back!  I was like, "Oh, no!  You are keeping that money and you are using it!"  Really, I did say that.  I also told her that the money was no longer mine - in fact, it was never mine, it was always intended to be used how she and her husband saw fit.  I felt such a beautiful sense of relief (and we both cried and hugged - and it felt so super good).  I finally felt like I had some honor, some integrity again.

So, when Lesson 11 says our thoughts determine the world we see - I see this as a prime example of that.  I could have held onto the emotions, the long held thoughts and beliefs I had about the 'church' and its leaders, but thankfully time, maturity, and kind observation helped me to see two committed, loving, hard working, devoted people. I am thankful for those two and thankful the forces of the universe collaborated in a way that woke me up!

Day 10 - Lesson 10

Lesson 10 focuses on the idea that our thoughts do not mean anything.  Again, continuing the process of clearing my mind from old beliefs - a voluntary reprogramming.  I think it is healthy in the spirit of true self-reflection to observe my thoughts and consider the possibility that some of them are not helpful, are not accurate, are not even real.
So, aside from practicing lesson 10 from A Course In Miracles, I was reminded that today is the Law of Giving - this law has made me love Mondays (when I remember to apply this law).  Deepak Chopra wrote a beautiful book (okay, he's written lots of them), but in this case, I am refering to The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.  This law encourages the practice of recognizing dynamic exchanges in giving and receiving.  Chopra suggests that we do simple things like giving the gift of a compliment, flower, or prayer to every person we encounter and to graciously receive gifts bestowed upon us.  This dynamic exchange keeps the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives.  I have noticed that when I am faced with a challenging person, if I place my attention in my heart and say a prayer or think of a good quality I know that person possesses, my interaction, about 99% of the time, is more positive than it is negative.  When I actively practice this, I am able to remove that part of me that wants to judge the other person - I recognize there is absolutely no value in me feeling superior to another human being.

This law also reminds me of an exercise I participated in while attending Perfect Health last summer at the Chopra Center.  Name five qualities you especially appreciate in others - what five qualities would you most like to have?  Name five qualities that you really dislike in others - five that you most certainly would not want to possess.  Of course, we possess all of the qualities that we name - good and 'bad.'  I think the challenge is to act upon those qualities we want to emulate, to actively model them, and to recognize - to observe when we are either being irritated by or are actively modeling those we dislike in others.  I have found that I'm observing myself and asking myself a whole lot more often, "What is it about this behavior that is bothering me; why am I acting this way?"  Paying attention to this stuff, to these thoughts and feelings, and recognizing them is making me a kinder and gentler person.  I am also walking around with a bigger smile, less stress, and I genuinely want to hug everyone.  I want everyone to feel loved - because you are loved!

Day 9 - Lesson 9

I see nothing as it is now. This lesson talks about how each small step we take in clearing our minds a little of the darkness goes away.  As practicing the lessons continues, we finally lighten every corner of our minds.

I took a walk in the late afternoon, with the beagle and a special little someone.  We had our winter gear on (which made it a little more challenging to walk).  The wind was fairly strong (which made it even a little more challenging).  Ice shards stabbed us from the sky (yep, challenging to the point that I could have easily turned around).  However, instead of focusing on all that - we heaved the darkness aside and forged our way into the light (at least for a little while).  The beagle sniffed to her heart's content while my special little someone and I stomped through every mud puddle in our path, we threw rocks into the surf, and found three lovely pieces of beach glass. 

Being in the moment, sharing air, space, and time with that special little someone reminds me that the spark of the divine exists in each of us.  It is easiest to spot in these simplest of moments - a dog, a child, a mud puddle, a storm - giggles and hand-holding.

Day 8 - Lesson 8

Lesson 8 is mysterious and irritating.  The general concept is my mind is preoccupied with past thoughts and the exercises emphasize that point.  This lesson talks about how preoccupied with the past we are when our minds are actually blank - the past is not there it is an illusion.

Right now, my mind wants to focus on how truly therapeutic it is to laugh.  I have the great fortune of meeting once per month with 11 other women.  It's a group of regulars, but we almost always have a sub or two join us because of travel schedules and work obligations. The group is made up of friends who spend more time together, but as a whole we only get together once per month.  These monthly sessions are centered around a silly game, the hostess of the month serves snacks (sometimes an entire meal) and dessert, and there are six winners at the end of each gathering.  The real prize, however, is in the laughter.  I typically leave these sessions with aching cheeks and a sore belly from laughing so hard.  The other great thing is there isn't a woman in the bunch that isn't a great hugger!

I am thankful indeed.

Day 7 - Lesson 7

Lesson 7 is the practice of realizing that, "I see only the past."  

This lesson, the practicing of it, made me think about how easy it is to develop an opinion, a belief, about something simply based on a past experience.  While that might be okay - the problem is that we don't often change our opinions or beliefs, even when we receive new objective information that tells us that it would be logical to change our opinion or belief, because we are so committed to a position based on that past experience.  This prevents us from allowing others to grow and change, from developing relationships, from living life in the moment and appreciating that.

My experiences, particularly in the past two years, have taught me that people change - they constantly change - and the best thing about that is it gives us regular opportunities to decide to love, to appreciate, to care as opposed to label and judge.

Day 6 - Lesson 6

This will come as no surprise, Lesson 6 is an extension of the previous lessons.  It, however, asks that the focus be on searching your mind to upsetting thoughts and then to very specifically name the form of upset (worry, fear, anger) and the perceived source.

As I practiced this today, the over-arching thought that kept occurring is when I am in the present moment - thoughts of worry, fear, frustration, anger, depression don't last long.  These exercises, even though they seem sort of simple and I've asked myself, "Geez, why do I need to practice this?"  I am struck by how beneficial they are in helping me to spend more time in the present moment.  I can pretty easily hang out in daydream world and let my mind wander all over - the problem is, when I do that, my mind wanders more into the, "Holy crap I need to add to my to do list; oh, man, I forgot all about....; why did so and so say that, do that, not do that" instead of hanging out on a sunny beach somewhere enjoying a good lounge.  When I stay in present moment awareness, I do enjoy life more....I appreciate my world more.  I don't worry as much about things that I don't have any control over.

Day 5 - Lesson 5

Today’s lesson focused on a series of questions to consider given situations where the emotion is perceived as negative and others that are positive. An example of one of the questions is: I am not afraid of _____ for the reason I think. I used this question in particular because there was a situation at work in which I felt afraid – afraid that I hadn’t researched something enough, afraid that I would be responsible for making a costly mistake, afraid that I wasn’t smart enough, not dedicated enough, that I was an imposter not deserving of my job. Yeesh! All of this stuff, all of these thoughts going through my mind, around and around and around; making me feel sick, literally, physically ill. The lesson came to mind – so I said to myself (several times), “I am not afraid of ______ for the reason I think.” Then I got busy. I took the steps necessary to make me feel better about the situation. And lo and behold – I feel completely better and all of that crazy anxiety is gone.

I know people often tell us that if we focus on the positive that is what we will see, that’s what we’ll get, that’s what we’ll experience. That is true – but I think we don’t often receive practical steps to focus on the positive. I see this exercise as being helpful in that regard. Breathing is also good.

Here’s another something I’d like to share this 5th day. The other day a friend of mine posted some comments on Facebook. She had received a spam message on Facebook from some ‘creepy guy’ who ‘found’ her there, wanted to start a relationship, she was the most beautiful woman ever, blah, blah, blah. This friend did not appreciate the message; a response that I think is fairly typical. Anyway, I made a comment to her that was similar to, “On the bright side, you really are beautiful.” To that, another friend of hers, a woman I do not know, said, “Of course she is, that’s not the point.” My initial internal response to this was, “Ouch.” However, I didn’t ever respond again. I reviewed the comments a couple more times as the day wore on and they continued to focus on these creepy kinds of messages and what a jerk the guy was who sent the message.

So, here’s the thing – the point really is that my friend is beautiful. Had we focused on that the whole exchange would have felt good and I mean good all the way into your belly good.

Finally, here’s another thing the course says in lesson 5 – “There are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.”

Day 4 - Lesson 4

Today's lesson is certainly an extension of letting go of 'good' / 'bad' labels.  Specifically, to practice throughout the day, (but not too much, not too often) this:

This thought about _____ does not mean anything.

I did practice this throughout the day and I found that two times, in what I would normally consider frustrating situations, thinking about this - practicing this helped.  It helped me to recognize that I really didn't need to feel frustrated; that the situation was neither 'good' or 'bad' - it just was as it was.  That recognition allowed a surprising sense of relief.

As I am working through this course, I am also reading Life After Death The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra.  Today's lesson and a lesson in Chopra's book are particularly complementary. 

But what is an illusion? A kind of magic that hides reality from us? Maya (the goddess of illusion) is more subtle. Let's say I show you a piece of ice, a cloud of steam, and a snowflake.  Have you seen any water?  If you say yes, then you have overcome Maya - the forms of ice, steam, and snowflake didn't fool you.  You went to the essence, which is that they are all made of water.

This offered to me the opportunity(ies) to observe my own thoughts and to then identify and recognize what is illusion.  Was my frustration caused by external situations or by something internal - a label, an expectation, a judgment.

As Deepak Chopra reminds me most mornings when I listen to his affirmations - Today I will accept myself, just as I am.  This does not mean I don't strive to learn and to grow - but I do accept that I am exactly where my choices have lead me - exactly where the universe intends me to be today....in this moment.

Day 3 - Lesson 3

The point of the first three lessons seems to be about letting go of existing labels, of judgements.  We label a lot - is it necessary?  Is it overall helpful?  Sometimes it saves us from danger, and is, therefore, a very good thing.  However, much of the time our labels cast shrouds over the truth of a given thing, a given situation.

I watched the movie Baraka twice over the past few days.  For me, in order to get the most out of the message of that movie, I had to release my mind of my automatic labels, my automatic discomforts.  People live so very differently, believe so differently - I can learn something from all of it.

Baraka - a word to remember, to ponder, to consider, to apply - in the ancient Sufi language, it means "the thread that weaves life together."

Day 2 - Lesson 2

Lesson 2 is similar to lesson 1 (as the course explains).  It's a bit mysterious at this point.  I could make assumptions about where it's going - but I am not going to.  Okay, I might make a few....though more to test my assumptions and not develop an opinion.

This path of learning and practicing spirituality is fascinating.  I was raised in a Christian household and we went to church sporadically.  There would be periods when we would go regularly, but then times when we wouldn't go at all.  I enjoyed church.  We went to a Baptist church for a long time.  The thing I really liked about church was the music.  If anything would (and still does) stir my soul it was (is) music.  I love gospel music.  The whole judgemental God - the old guy with the white beard - just didn't resonate with me.  I tried really hard to believe it.  I mostly tried hard to believe it because that would have made things easy - no controversy.  Fact is, I've never been too good at the no controversy thing.  I'm not a total rebel....but enough of one.

I have learned, over the past couple of years, that God does exist; for me God is a universal spirit.  I like the way Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer speak of God.  What they say resonates with me.  The common denominator in all great religions is love and compassion. 

I am saved.

And so it begins....

Today is day one and lesson one of A Course In Miracles.  In the instructions, it tells you that you may not understand some of the lessons, you may not agree with some - you need not believe in the ideas, accept them, or even welcome them.  However, none of that matters.  They will be effective nonetheless.  The key is in actively applying them as instructed.

So, I did.

I struggle with lesson one.  I don't agree with it, but I am open to it.  It is, afterall, only the first of 365 lessons.